UNPACKING – GETTING CURIOUS

One of my favorite and least favorite things about my personal transformation that I’ve been experiencing is the process of unpacking myself. I have never been a blindness rule follower which has caused some problems being a W2 employee. I have no qualms about asking why something needs to be done a specific way. My least favorite answers are “because I said so” and “because it’s always been that way”. Because you said so? Nope, not going to jump off that proverbial bridge solely based on your say so. Because it’s always been that way? How long is always? Are you aware that things are constantly changing? When was the last time that the entire process was looked at? There could be room for improvements in the process to make it more efficient and better for all involved. I have always had an inquisitive mind; one that wants to ask why and dig deeper. Maybe that’s why I’ve always loved crime dramas and mystery novels. It’s fun for me to try and see if I can discover the person before the detectives or characters.

During the last couple of years, I’ve been able to use that inquisitiveness to question why I behave certain ways in specific situations, what limiting beliefs are contributing to those behaviors, and where those beliefs may have originated.  Once I get to the bottom of the situation, I can determine if those beliefs still serve me or are no longer necessary. If they aren’t serving me anymore, then I can start the process of ridding myself of that limiting belief. Sometimes, I think I have it all figured out, only to peel back another layer. I am so grateful that I have found a life changing use for a facet of my personality that has always been there.

This also works with emotions. When we start feeling the vibration of a specific emotion rising to the surface, it is so crucial for our health and well-being to get curious about this emotional response to a person or situation that we are having. Feelings are a trigger from our unconscious mind to our conscious mind that something is going on and we need to stand up and take notice. I recently had a very profound experience with this leaning into the discomfort and unpacking the emotion. I was having a rough week. My husband and I had some ongoing tension about a decision that I had made. My kids had just started school again and had a lot of anxiety about riding the bus home. We spent the night before the first school day consoling our son and assuring him that nothing was going to go wrong. The next day our kid’s bus driver didn’t realize that our kids were even on the bus, so had taken them all the way through the route and didn’t discover them until parking the bus back in the garage for the night. Que more anxiety and tears from our kids that night. I thought I was handling everything well. I knew it was going to be a hard week, so I made sure to get my self-care items in: time to do my card readings, EFT tapping, and extra meditations. However, the night of the bus incident after my kids and husband were in bed, out of seemingly nowhere a feeling of deep sorrow overcame me. This is where the least favorite time for unpacking, staying curious, and leaning into discomfort comes into play. In the past, I would either push the feeling down and refuse to give it space, which mind you seems easiest, or I’d let the negative self-talk run its course until I was feeling extremely miserable and finally cried myself to sleep. Now, I know how dangerous trapping emotions into the body is. I’ve done the internal work to fully love and accept myself. Even in my darkest hours which are fewer and farther in between, I know that I am not alone. I know that all the negative self-talk about how I’m worthless, not going anywhere in life, not fit to help anyone, not deserving of the love from my family and friends, are all absolute lies. I let them fly right by me, not grabbing hold of any of these dirty seeds and allowing them to take root. It’s an odd experience to lean into the discomfort; to let the tears fall instead and the emotions flow throughout my entire body as these feelings of sorrow, anguish, and despair wage a war inside me. I let them wash through and all the way out of me. I am a human being with emotions but I am not my emotions. That night once the storm had passed, tears dried up, negative self-talk dissuaded, I felt a sense of inner peace sweep throughout my body. Instead of the negative self-talk that used to be my trademark, the positive self-talk emerged that I have been re-training my mind with for the past years: I am a worthwhile human being, I have experiences that can help others get through their dark days, I am loved and deserving of that love. The peace and lightness within me now felt that much more powerful after the darkness that just tried to overwhelm me. We experience both positive and negative times while living on earth. Both are important because without the contrast of the other experience, they wouldn’t be as powerful or meaningful. After the emotional experience had passed, I was able to get curious about it. Where had it come from? What was it trying to tell me? Sometimes, I get so caught up in trying to soothe everyone else and keep the house running smoothly, that I don’t give myself time to truly experience life in the moment. Even though I had thought I was making self-care a priority, this sorrow sneaking up on me like that was a good indicator that I was missing the mark a bit. Although, like most people, I don’t like the negative/bad times that life throws at me and I’m really not a fan of leaning into them, I am always enormously grateful for the contrasts and lessons that they always provide.
Love,
Yara Rose