SEND LOVE AND COMPASSION - NOT JUDGMENT

Recently, I read a brief “Love What Matters” article about a young college student that fell victim to sexual assault by a known and trusted friend. I read how difficult it was for her mind to understand how someone she had been friends and trusted for years could have drugged and later sexually assault her. This same friend continued as if nothing had ever happened following the event, and because she was in a state of shock and denial, she chose not to press charges and continued this friendship for a couple years after. As I read this woman’s story, I admired her willingness and strength to share her story with others in an attempt to reach out to anyone else that has found themselves in a similar situation. She wanted to let them know they are not alone and can stand together as survivors and not victims. I was proud of this complete stranger for putting herself out there in order to spread love and compassion to others. I was disappointed with some of the comments this woman received for her efforts. Some such as how could you ever be a good role model for someone in this situation when you never pressed charges against this man, or of course the judgmental how in the hell could you have stayed friends with the assaulter for years after this incident. To me, these comments are ignorant. They bothered me a great deal. When I examined my feelings on where this strong emotion was coming from, I realized it was because I had done that same thing so many times myself.  As imperfect human beings, we make mistakes, and with my “perfectionist” tendencies, I feel that I made A LOT of both judgment and ignorant remarks in my life. Honestly, I worked my ass off to make things perfect (or as close to) day in and day out. I would get so angry and frustrated with people that couldn’t follow what I felt were “simple instructions” or accomplish “realistic expectations.” I’d vent my work frustrations out to my old supervisor, who would listen to my rants and then kindly remind me that not everyone thinks the same way that I do. To me, reconciling your credit card statement with your receipts or balancing your home budget wasn’t rocket science. Yet, we had countless co-workers that seemed to struggle with these tasks. There is one particular co-worker from the recreation department that used to frustrate our accounting department regularly. She was the most amazing, kind, sweet, caring person. She was terrific at her job of running the special needs programs for the City. However, she’d be the first one to tell you that finances were not her specialty. She’d often say that she was a lot more comfortable comforting an upset autistic teen that was currently waving around a dangerous object than do anything finance related. This poor soul would get so much anxiety when she knew someone from accounting was looking for her. Looking back, I deeply regret my part for causing her this anxiety. The real problem wasn’t with her inability to balance her credit card statement or to deposit the money in a timely fashion, but our failure to see the bigger picture and not being willing to work with her more on her weaknesses. We had a real gem working with us, instead of appreciating and celebrating her strengths, we criticized and came down hard on her for failing to reach our expectations. This “Love What Matters” story brought all of these unresolved feelings to the surface for me. I know nothing more about the author or commenters to this story, yet this whole scenario reminded me so much of Brene Brown’s man in the arena speech. It is far too common these days for people to judge and condemn others. What I struggle to understand is how we, humanity, as a whole, got to this point in life where we feel it’s our place to judge and condemn vs. offer compassion and forgiveness. I suppose the how and why of how it came to be doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. What matters is that once we are aware of it, we can choose whether we get up each day and spread love, compassion, and forgiveness, or hate, ignorance, and judgment.

I am beyond grateful that the last couple of years has taught me to see the world through different lenses. Gone is the once clear black and white world that I used to judge everyone by. My world has expanded into a variety of colors, and it’s breathtaking. I encourage all of you to try it yourselves. The next time you find yourself critically judging someone or something, take a moment to remind yourself that you don’t have the complete picture, nor is it your place to make that criticism and instead send them love and compassion.

Love,
Yara Rose